Diary Series
by Corran
Summary: while Scully fights her cancer Mulder is allowed to read her journals
1. Prologue

DIARY SERIES  
  
AUTHOR: CORRAN  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
CATEGORY: MSR, UST, a little angst, cancer  
  
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: GOSSAMER; CRONICLE X; SPOOKY´S;   
XEMPLARY; EPHEMERAL  
ALL OTHERS PLEASE ASK FIRST  
  
FEEDBACK: hell, YES! Starfish666@email.com  
  
SPOILERS: EPISODES UP TO REDUX II  
  
SUMMARY: while Scully fights her cancer Mulder is allowed to read her journals  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don´t own these characters. They belong to CC, 1013 and Fox.   
But I think David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson own them as well.  
  
AUTOR´S NOTES:this is my second long story. I started this when I was a little   
depressed after watching Redux I and II again. I promise I´ll write some more parts  
when I´m in the right mood again, okay?  
  
HOMEPAGE: http://www.geocities.com/corran_14776/index.html  
  
  
  
PROLOGUE  
  
I´ve just left Scully´s hospital room. Her cancer´s gotten worse again.   
  
She gave me a letter and asked me to read it at her appartment.   
  
It feels weird. I always thought that she don´t likes it when I hang around   
her appartment when she isn´t there. So I´ve done it only a couple times when   
I knew she would arrive within a few minutes.   
  
I like her place. It´s comfy and it feels more like home to me than my own   
appartment.   
  
So here I am, sitting on her sofa and wishing she could be here   
with me. But the only thing of her which is here right now is the envelope she   
gave me. I open it carefully and look at her beautiful and precise handwriting.  
  
  
  
Dear Mulder,  
  
I don´t know how much time I have left... I know you hate it when I think this way,  
but let´s face it, I´m going to die pretty soon.  
But there´s still so much I want to tell you. The only "problem" is that I´m not very  
good at saying the things that go through my mind. I tend to write them down.  
I´ve been doing that a long time now - my mom gave me my first journal when I was  
twelve. I was rather shy at expressing my feelings and problems. Mom thought it would   
be a good idea to write it down when I couldn´t talk to her about it.  
Though I stopped writing for awhile I started to keep a journal again when I met you.  
That´s not a bad thing, I promise.  
It´s just that it was the best way, my way, to deal with all the things I´ve seen during  
our investigations and to sort my feelings. Don´t get me wrong, Mulder, you´re my best  
friend and the most important person in my life, but there are still some things I can´t  
talk about. Not even to you...  
Sooo, I want to ask a favor of you. On the bookshelf in my bedroom you´ll find some  
journals. I want you to read them.  
I wanted to tell you all these things personally someday but it seems to be impossible.  
So you have to read it and perhaps you´ll get to know me a little better (sometimes  
you look at me like I´m an enigma to you), and why it´s so hard for me to talk to you  
about certain things. I hope I´ll be there when you finish reading. I won´t give up   
fighting against this illness, I promise. But I don´t know how much longer I can do it.  
So, go and get the journals now. There´s iced tea in the fridge. Make yourself at home.  
Everywhere you like. Yeah, you´ve heard right. You may even lay down in the bedroom  
if you like to stay awhile.  
  
Love, Scully.  
  
  
  
I have to smile though the tears are flowing down my cheeks.   
  
I go to the fridge to get a can of iced tea and grab a glass from the shelf. I don´t think  
Scully would appreciate me drinking straight from the can. What else are glasses for?  
  
Then I go to her bedroom to get her journals. It´s strange to be in here without beeing   
ill myself. I toe off my shoes and settle between the cushions on her bed.  
  
Hmmm, Scullyscent. I miss her so much. I don´t think I can read all her entries in the   
journals, I´ll just browse through them.  
  
I decide to start with her first entry, though. The one she wrote the day she was assigned  
to the X-Files and we met for the first time.  
  
The day my life changed...  
  
  
  
END (for now) 


	2. Part 1

DIARY SERIES (1/?)  
  
AUTHOR: CORRAN  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
CATEGORY: MSR, UST, a little angst, cancer  
  
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: GOSSAMER; CRONICLE X; SPOOKY´S;   
XEMPLARY; EPHEMERAL  
ALL OTHERS PLEASE ASK FIRST  
  
FEEDBACK: hell, YES! Starfish666@email.com  
  
SPOILERS: EPISODES UP TO REDUX II  
  
SUMMARY: while Scully fights her cancer Mulder is allowed to read her journals  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don´t own these characters. They belong to CC, 1013 and Fox.   
But I think David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson own them as well.  
  
AUTOR´S NOTES:this is my second long story. I started this when I was a little   
depressed after watching Redux I and II again. I promise I´ll write some more   
parts when I´m in the right mood again, okay?  
  
HOMEPAGE: http://www.geocities.com/corran_14776/index.html  
  
  
PART 1  
  
Shit. What have I done to be paired up with this man? Why had it to be *Spooky*   
Mulder? He´s a total nutcase!  
  
  
Well, I´ve had now some time to think...  
And I have to admit that it´s not really that bad. He´s not nearly as weird as I´ve   
been told. Ok, he´s weird, but not insane.   
He just doesn´t trust me. Yet. I´ll have to earn his trust first. Not an easy task...  
He thinks I´ve been sent to spy on him.  
Hmmm, he looks nice.  
Ok, cute.  
With his glasses and the slightly to long hair...  
Stop this, Dana! You´re his partner now.  
Actually he does look more loke a boy than a former top-profiler for VCS.  
Well, I´ll find out if I can work with him.  
Tomorrow we´re heading to Bellefleur, Oregon. Our first case as partners.  
I think Blevins wants me to debunk Mulder´s work. I don´t know him yet, but I hate to   
judge if someone´s work is worth the taxpayers money. All that Blevins can get from me   
will be an objective report of this investigation. I think I owe Mulder at least that much,   
though he wasn´t very enthusiastic welcoming me in the basement.  
But I really am looking forward to working with him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Scully thinks I´m cute? I´ve always wondered what she thought of me back then.   
  
And she gave me the chance to show her that I´m not as spooky as she was told at   
the academy.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Well, now I know what it means to work on an X-File. All the evidence we collected  
has been burned along with my laptop. The report we´ve filed is gone and the case isn´t   
really solved.  
That´s so damn frustrating! All the work - for nothing!  
I´ve given my report to Blevins. I think he´s disappointed that I haven´t presented him   
Mulder´s head on a silver tray. But I´ve fast learned to at least accept and respect Mulder   
the way he is.  
I´m dtill a little embaressed that I stormed into his room in the middle of the night wearing   
only a little more than my under-garments. Because of mosquito-bites!  
I´m just relieved that he didn´t make fun of me. In fact, he was really kind and gentle.  
He must have seen my fear...Hell, I´ll have to hide it better.  
I´m glad he didn´t take the opportunity to jump my bones. But I think that´s just not him.  
Seems that he respects me a bit after all.  
I´ve been thinking about him for the last hour and I think I begin to understand him a little   
better now. I´ve never expected him to tell me such a personal thing like the abduction of   
his sister. Though I can´t bring myself to believe she was abducted by aliens it must have   
shattered his world into pieces. He was just a boy...Nobody should have to go through that.  
It still haunts him. I know he don´t wants pity but I can´t help to feel sorry for the boy he   
once was.  
There´s no way in hell that I´ll help Blevins to take away the only thing he has left. Perhaps   
the X-Files will lead Mulder to his sister some day. Who knows?  
I can´t take that possibility away from him.  
  
So, I have a partner now. I´ve been told to stay with the X-Files. I only hope there are some   
cases with more scientific aspects out there...  
  
  
END (for now)  
  
AUTHOR´S NOTES: tell me if you liked it so far and if I should continue or just drop it. 


	3. Part 2

DIARY SERIES (2/?)  
  
AUTHOR: CORRAN  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
CATEGORY: MSR, UST, a little angst, cancer  
  
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: GOSSAMER; CHRONICLE X; SPOOKY´S;   
XEMPLARY; EPHEMERAL  
ALL OTHERS PLEASE ASK FIRST  
  
FEEDBACK: hell, YES! Starfish666@email.com  
  
SPOILERS: EPISODES UP TO REDUX II  
  
SUMMARY: while Scully fights her cancer Mulder is allowed to read her journals  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters. They belong to CC, 1013 and Fox.   
But I think David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson own them as well.  
  
AUTOR´S NOTES: this is my second long story. I started this when I was a little   
depressed after watching Redux I and II again. I promise I'll write some more parts  
when I'm in the right mood again, okay?  
  
HOMEPAGE: http://www.geocities.com/corran_14776/index.html  
  
  
PART 2  
  
Eugene Victor Tooms. The pure horror on two legs. I really thought I would die.   
In my own bathroom. Murdered by a liver-eating mutant. I don't know if I'll ever   
feel safe again in this apartment. That's the first time I've been seriously attacked   
on one of our cases. And I have the feeling that this hasn't happened for the last   
time. But at least I still have my liver. Thanks to Mulder.   
  
So what kind of mutation is Tooms anyway? Why does nature create such beings?   
I suppose we'll never know exactly. Well, he's locked away now, and I hope for good.  
  
I hate to admit it, even to myself, but I was scared to death. I mean, he came through   
this tiny hole near the floor... No one is supposed to fit through it. There's normally   
no way that anything what comes out of this hole could be a threat. But when   
someone can stretch his fingers up to 10 inches...  
  
Aside from nearly being killed it's been nice to work with people from other divisions.   
Though they've been kind of cruel towards Mulder and therefore to me, too. Especially   
Tom Colton. He's been a complete asshole. And here I thought he was my friend.   
Well, I've obviously been wrong about that. One who messes with my partner can't be   
a friend.   
  
That little bastard only thought about how he could climb up the career-ladder a little   
faster. And he tried to step on my shoulders to lift him up. I hated him for doing   
that to me, to us. He's not only uses me, no, that he's used Mulder too infuriates me   
more. How dare he insult my only real friend!?   
  
Not that Colton was that successful. Mulder handled him just right. He's been great   
and put Tom back in his place. I know, it's not nice to think that about a person, but   
that jackass has earned it..   
  
And little me enjoyed it immensely. It's been awhile since I've had that much fun. Not   
that I would tell Mulder that.  
  
I also won't tell him that this incident with Tooms has shaken me so much that I'm   
actually afraid of being alone in the dark. But it helps to have Mulder near me. To   
know that he's there for me if I let him...  
  
  
  
I wish you would let me... I want to comfort you when you're hurt or afraid. You know   
I'm there for you, no matter what.   
  
So why don't you let me help you when you need someone? Why is it okay for you to comfort   
me but it's not okay the other way around?  
  
You know, I want to feel needed, too.   
  
So much thoughts race through my head. I remember every single second of that case. The   
way to Scully´s apartment felt like hours. Thank god that I was there in time to help her.   
When I think about it now...  
  
I could have lost her then. I could have lost her many times in the last years. And now   
it looks like I'm really losing her.  
  
Not to some lunatic or a monster with a bad taste but to a terminal illness. I just hope   
I'm not wasting the time that I could spend looking for a cure for Scully by reading her   
journals.  
  
But she wanted me to. And I will respect her wishes.  
  
  
  
END Part 2 


	4. Part 3

DIARY SERIES (3/?)  
  
AUTHOR: CORRAN  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
CATEGORY: MSR, UST, a little angst, cancer  
  
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: GOSSAMER; CHRONICLE X; SPOOKY´S;   
XEMPLARY; EPHEMERAL  
ALL OTHERS PLEASE ASK FIRST  
  
FEEDBACK: hell, YES! Starfish666@email.com  
  
SPOILERS: EPISODES UP TO REDUX II  
  
SUMMARY: while Scully fights her cancer Mulder is allowed to read her journals  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters. They belong to CC, 1013 and Fox.   
But I think David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson own them as well.  
  
AUTOR´S NOTES: this is my second long story. I started this when I was a little   
depressed after watching Redux I and II again. I promise I'll write some more parts  
when I'm in the right mood again, okay?  
  
HOMEPAGE: http://www.geocities.com/corran_14776/index.html  
  
  
PART 3  
  
The Jersey Devil, my ass. That´s gross, even for Mulder.  
  
How can he believe that such things exist? It´s like believing in fairy-tales. I mean,   
the man is intelligent, a genius. Why does he believe the stories that some tramps tell   
him but never accepts any of my explanations?  
  
I know it´s ridiculous to expect him to be more like... like me. I don´t even want to   
change him. I like who he is. Perhaps it´s me who needs to change, to be more open   
to extreme possibilities...  
  
But sometimes it would be nice if he wouldn´t dismiss me so easily.   
  
Well, at least I had some fun at Trent´s birthday party while Mulder trudged through   
the woods.  
  
I love kids, but like I said to Ellen there´s simply no time at the moment, let alone a   
man in my life. Ellen hit the nail on it´s head, as always. First I have to get a life.  
  
But what kind of life would that be? Without the X-Files, without Mulder? If that´s what   
a normal life would be like...Thank you very much. Without me.   
  
I got a glimpse of this so called "normal" life when I went out with what-was-his-name?   
Rob? Well, he was.. nice, for an hour or so but a whole life like that? Boooring. I didn´t   
even know what to talk about with him.  
  
Mulder and I always have something to talk about.  
  
Mulder. The current "man in my life". I never should have told Ellen about him. I knew   
she would tease me mercilessly.  
  
Why had she to bring up his name in our conversation about kids? Hell, I couldn´t even   
see me with a child. At least not in the next one or two years. That would terminate my   
partnership with Mulder, and I´m not ready yet to give that up.  
  
And Mulder? Does he even see himself as a father someday? I would like to ask him.   
But then, we never really talk about our personal lives, our dreams for the future...  
  
I think he would be a great dad. He can be so tender and caring, it amazes me every   
time he directs his gentle side at me.  
  
What would it be like to live with him? His little quirks, the empty fridge, the adult video   
news... Or would he behave differently - washing the dishes, taking out the garbage,   
accepting diaper-patrol with a smile...  
  
Well, I´m back at the topic that started these musings - children. But I can´t let myself   
think about it any longer. He´s my partner and friend. To think about him in any other   
way would be insane.  
  
Anyway, I don´t think he feels the same kind of attractionbetween us that I do. Too bad.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I´m near a coronary here. Does this mean what I think it means?   
  
That she felt the same tension that I did? That she buried these feelings, like I did, because   
she thought it was better to be friends that to tempt fate? That she chose me, life with me   
and the X-Files over some "normal" guy?  
  
I can´t quite believe that she consciously decided that it was worth to stay with me,   
Fox Mulder? Wow, nobody every voluntarily stayed longer with me than absolutely necessary.   
At least no woman.  
  
And kids. I wish so much that I could give her a child. But that´s impossible. I haven´t had   
the heart to tell her yet, though.  
  
I´m a coward and i don´t want to cuse her any more pain at this moment. Her cancer´s bad   
enough for her to deal with.  
  
  
  
  
  
END Part 3 


	5. Part 4

DIARY SERIES (4/?)  
  
AUTHOR: CORRAN  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
CATEGORY: MSR, UST, a little angst, cancer  
  
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: GOSSAMER; CHRONICLE X; SPOOKY´S;   
XEMPLARY; EPHEMERAL  
ALL OTHERS PLEASE ASK FIRST  
  
FEEDBACK: hell, YES! Starfish666@email.com  
  
SPOILERS: EPISODES UP TO REDUX II  
  
SUMMARY: while Scully fights her cancer Mulder is allowed to read her journals  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters. They belong to CC, 1013 and Fox.   
But I think David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson own them as well.  
  
AUTOR´S NOTES: this is my second long story. I started this when I was a little   
depressed after watching Redux I and II again. I promise I'll write some more parts  
when I'm in the right mood again, okay?  
  
HOMEPAGE: http://www.geocities.com/corran_14776/index.html  
  
  
PART 4  
  
The next significant entry I spot is about our time in Alaska. I don't think I want to   
read about it. It's still in my mind, thanks to my memory.  
  
In the end it came all down to a matter of trust.   
  
And we passed this test with flying colors.  
  
Scully trusted me completely – with her life. The time we spent at the Icy Cape   
marked a big step in our relationship. Like the many other baby-steps we took it   
brought us closer together.  
  
The can of iced tea long gone I decide to go to the kitchen again. I'm hungry and   
Scully said that I should make myself at home…  
  
In the freezer I find some leftovers and put it in the microwave. I'm going to eat   
that at the dining-room table with some actual dishes – no paper plates. I can act   
somewhat civilized if necessary and I'll even do the dishes afterwards.  
  
Domesticated Mulder – the other side of me. Just like Jekyll and Hyde.  
  
It's hard to be here at Scully´s home, surrounded by all the things that remind me   
of her. I just hope she's not feeling too bad at the moment. I miss her so much   
already that I don't know what I'd do if she dies.  
  
But there's no use to think about that now. I have things to do. First eating, then   
tidying up the mess I've made in the kitchen and then back to Scully´s bed   
(yeah, her bed…) and reading her journal.  
  
  
I stop leafing through the leather-bound book when three words catch my eye.  
  
I HATE HER!!  
Huh? Pretty strong words for someone who's usually so calm like Scully.  
  
Uh oh… This is about Phoebe.  
  
Somehow I feel now like I'm invading Scully´s privacy by reading this but as I   
said before… she wants me to.  
  
Ok, I can do that. Here we go.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I HATE HER!!  
  
I wish that british slut had stayed where she belonged.  
  
Phoebe Green – if I ever have to hear that name again I might vomit.  
  
How dare she mess with my partners beautiful mind? She had to know about   
his fear of fire, so how could she do that to him?   
  
I just don't get it… weren't they lovers once? I wouldn't even use that kind of   
knowledge against an ex-lover if we parted in anger. It's just not in my make-up.  
  
It hurt to see how easily she had him around her little finger again. And it hurt to   
see him dance with her. Much more than I thought it would.  
  
Hell, I know he's a normal heterosexual man. So why shouldn't he want to be   
with a woman?  
  
But it hurt nonetheless. I was, dare I say it, jealous. Yeah, the green-eyed monster   
reared it's ugly head.   
  
I've never felt this way before around Mulder. I've never been this territorial   
with any other man. What does this mean? That I started to have unpartnerly   
feelings for Mulder? That I want him to be more than a friend?  
  
I really don't know. This is all so new for me. Perhaps it was just the wish to   
protect him, my mama-bear-side kicking in.  
  
Yeah, that must be it. Deep down I somehow sensed that she could hurt him   
badly.  
  
Well, I'm not quite ready to take a closer look at my feelings for Mulder.   
Not yet. Perhaps never.   
  
We're not even allowed to have a closer relationship. It's against regulations.   
What stupid s.o.b. came up with that rule anyway? Do they really think they   
have any control over how people feel about each other?  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Yep, that's my Scully. Passionate and logical at the same time. On one side my   
guardian angel, ready to fight for me if I'm not capable to do it myself. On the   
other side rationalizing away her feelings and writing them off as a form of   
mother-instinct.  
  
Oh my… where could we be today if we both weren't so damn chicken when it   
comes to facing our emotions? If we had admitted our feelings for each other?  
  
Ok, Mulder, better not go there now.  
  
  
END Part 4 


End file.
